Haunted thoughts and memories
Never thought I'd be back blogging again but here I am. They're not for anyone to hear or read but mainly for my need to relive memories I'd never thought would continue haunting me till this very day.
Hi. Almost 6 years later, I think I may have found what I have been looking for. My heart is finally full. I am finally in love with someone who has remained my better half for almost 5 years now. Yes, years. Who knew right? All the while it's been drilled into my head that I'll never find happiness or even loyalty in a relationship. My love, your name is tattooed on the very part of me that's most vulnerable. No one has the power to remove it except The Almighty.
I've been blessed, to be in the company of the people who genuinely love me for who I am. Some whom I've hurt during this blessed month of Ramadan many years ago. The strong urge to blog again stemmed from the only reason that has ever made me sad in this beautiful month; memories shared with someone I thought I loved years ago. I didn't know if I could share it with anyone who would truly understand the gravity of my actions and decisions. This year, Ramadan has been really special. Previously when people of my faith shared with me the beauty of this month, I struggled to achieve the peace, joy and ease that they felt every single time the month comes by. I await Eid and count the days until the month is over. Within my struggle, I vowed to make the most of this month, together with the people who understood the importance. These two years, especially this one, I found it so easy to commit to doing good deeds, meeting my prayers and fasting throughout. I guess the company I keep plays a role as well. As I learnt and tried to make the most of this month, I was brought back to uglier times in my life.
During this month years ago, I was with someone who I thought I loved. The idea of love revolved around this person and this person's needs. I honestly did not know what I was fighting for and who I should be fighting even though I knew deep in my heart that my actions were clearly wrong. I am ashamed to admit that I hate the way I treated my parents. The two people who sacrificed so much to give me the life I'm living now. Because we didn't share the same faith, this month meant NOTHING to this person. So that means it had to mean nothing to me too. I was constantly encouraged to break my fast, to lie, to argue even on an empty stomach and swear upon the Almighty's name, all in the name of love. I did not even think or reflect on my actions and how they have hurt the ones that I love. I was truly a loser because I did not reap any rewards in that month. But I sinned, constantly. To even watch my parents carry things more than they can bear, already breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. How could I have remained ignorant when they were hurting back then? What did they do to deserve my unkindness towards them? I walked around on an empty stomach but did my fast even mean anything?
If you loved me, wouldn't you have encouraged me to do good? But I guess I'm at fault here too. I wasn't firm, I did not stand by my principles when I should have and I gave you the impression that I could be pushed around. I was honestly, young and desperate to be loved after having my heart broken by someone who treated me like recycled goods. If I could turn back, I would have never gotten with you if I could anticipate the trials and challenges that came one after another after meeting you. You didn't understand why I had curfews, why I was constantly pushed to behave in a certain way because we were two completely different individuals. You pride yourself in the being the reason I turned my family away and I was so stupid to be okay with such a thing. Right now, I love them more fiercely than I should have done before. I would choose them a thousand times over, over you. You mocked me while I was fasting and fulfiling pillars of my religion, telling me that my breath smelled and pushed me to drink more water. How could I let someone cloud my better judgement? I feel nothing but regret over a relationship that disrespected my family, morals and myself.
Nonetheless, this happened. Nobody is playing the victim here. But sometimes, I wish I stood up for myself but I was so caught up in the fear of losing you. I did, and I've honestly never been happier. Now that I've grown to be stronger and independent, what was I really afraid of losing? Someone to love? A familiar cushion? A break in routine? I should not have been afraid of losing anything but myself; something I experienced in harshest of ways. I've found my way and I won't lose sight of it again. Maybe I did love you but I guess nothing compares to anything that I feel right now. I'm happy, whole-heartedly.
Hi. Almost 6 years later, I think I may have found what I have been looking for. My heart is finally full. I am finally in love with someone who has remained my better half for almost 5 years now. Yes, years. Who knew right? All the while it's been drilled into my head that I'll never find happiness or even loyalty in a relationship. My love, your name is tattooed on the very part of me that's most vulnerable. No one has the power to remove it except The Almighty.
I've been blessed, to be in the company of the people who genuinely love me for who I am. Some whom I've hurt during this blessed month of Ramadan many years ago. The strong urge to blog again stemmed from the only reason that has ever made me sad in this beautiful month; memories shared with someone I thought I loved years ago. I didn't know if I could share it with anyone who would truly understand the gravity of my actions and decisions. This year, Ramadan has been really special. Previously when people of my faith shared with me the beauty of this month, I struggled to achieve the peace, joy and ease that they felt every single time the month comes by. I await Eid and count the days until the month is over. Within my struggle, I vowed to make the most of this month, together with the people who understood the importance. These two years, especially this one, I found it so easy to commit to doing good deeds, meeting my prayers and fasting throughout. I guess the company I keep plays a role as well. As I learnt and tried to make the most of this month, I was brought back to uglier times in my life.
During this month years ago, I was with someone who I thought I loved. The idea of love revolved around this person and this person's needs. I honestly did not know what I was fighting for and who I should be fighting even though I knew deep in my heart that my actions were clearly wrong. I am ashamed to admit that I hate the way I treated my parents. The two people who sacrificed so much to give me the life I'm living now. Because we didn't share the same faith, this month meant NOTHING to this person. So that means it had to mean nothing to me too. I was constantly encouraged to break my fast, to lie, to argue even on an empty stomach and swear upon the Almighty's name, all in the name of love. I did not even think or reflect on my actions and how they have hurt the ones that I love. I was truly a loser because I did not reap any rewards in that month. But I sinned, constantly. To even watch my parents carry things more than they can bear, already breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. How could I have remained ignorant when they were hurting back then? What did they do to deserve my unkindness towards them? I walked around on an empty stomach but did my fast even mean anything?
If you loved me, wouldn't you have encouraged me to do good? But I guess I'm at fault here too. I wasn't firm, I did not stand by my principles when I should have and I gave you the impression that I could be pushed around. I was honestly, young and desperate to be loved after having my heart broken by someone who treated me like recycled goods. If I could turn back, I would have never gotten with you if I could anticipate the trials and challenges that came one after another after meeting you. You didn't understand why I had curfews, why I was constantly pushed to behave in a certain way because we were two completely different individuals. You pride yourself in the being the reason I turned my family away and I was so stupid to be okay with such a thing. Right now, I love them more fiercely than I should have done before. I would choose them a thousand times over, over you. You mocked me while I was fasting and fulfiling pillars of my religion, telling me that my breath smelled and pushed me to drink more water. How could I let someone cloud my better judgement? I feel nothing but regret over a relationship that disrespected my family, morals and myself.
Nonetheless, this happened. Nobody is playing the victim here. But sometimes, I wish I stood up for myself but I was so caught up in the fear of losing you. I did, and I've honestly never been happier. Now that I've grown to be stronger and independent, what was I really afraid of losing? Someone to love? A familiar cushion? A break in routine? I should not have been afraid of losing anything but myself; something I experienced in harshest of ways. I've found my way and I won't lose sight of it again. Maybe I did love you but I guess nothing compares to anything that I feel right now. I'm happy, whole-heartedly.
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